Real Struggles, Real Battles, Real Problems

It’s a night like any other. Nothing different or special happened today, just another day. Woke up just like every day before. Sun was shining, breeze blowing, perhaps a little heat but honestly not bad at all, and I think I saw only a few clouds in the sky. No, today was not unusual in the least. That’s what makes how I feel very puzzling or perhaps not as perplexing as I think. I suppose I need to explain why that statement is so bewildering and clear at the same time. As I have discussed in the past, our lives have taken a hard turn extremely fast and unexpected. I keep saying let’s have a conversation, so that’s exactly what I am going to do. 

The life I have known and my surroundings for the last 10 years are quickly dissolving around me. It’s taken me a while to completely soak that in. But the hard reality can no longer be pushed away. Last week we took a HUGE leap into the unknown. We put our home of 7 years on the market. Normally when you sell a home you have a plan for the future. Well, hmmm … I think we are missing something here. That future plan part, yeah that’s not here. Who in their right mind would put a house up for sale and not have a detailed map as to where the next road leads? That would be us, not totally by our choice I need to add. Let me tell you it is not helpful for my mental state AT ALL! This is the house we took from being a complete disaster to a warm, loving, beautiful home. I have never lived in such a beautiful home before. Not just the building but EVERYTHING. The amazing wildlife, peaceful woods, quiet neighborhood, and my “safe place.” This safe place has now become one where I do not feel secure anymore. I truly cannot put into words what is happening inside me. It has caused pause for me. My forward momentum has become stationary. People I do not know are now entering into my home when I am not here. It is unnerving to me. I am VERY unsettled about this. No, this is not something I wanted or requested EVER! 

I’m still waiting to wake up from this never-ending nightmare my life has been for the past several years. This has all got to be a dream because how can so much continue to happen in our lives over so many years? Unfortunately, it is not a dream and I am wide awake. Change is something I, and most people with mental illnesses, have a very hard time with. I never used to. But that now seems a lifetime ago. I do not handle it well at all now. It seems that is all I have had to go through for more years than I remember.  I often say “I hate being me,” or “being me is no fun at all.” I would never want anyone to have to feel the way I do. It’s completely terrible. Mental illness has transformed me into a person I don’t recognize. So how do I get through this without completely falling back down? That means I must find a way to cope and deal with these new changes in our life.

I am forcing myself to try new things. Stuff I have always wanted to do or something I have to challenge myself at to accomplish. Last week I made homemade cinnamon rolls for the first time. I have always wanted to, but yeast and I have a love/hate relationship. But I decided I was going to try again. And I am SO glad I did. They were AMAZING!!! Turned out better than perfect! I am sewing things I never would have considered to before. They are challenging me greatly but I am for sure growing my skill knowledge. I have plans on staining some furniture that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. If I’m not busy with packing, house selling stuff, or cleaning, I make sure every chance I can to have a project to work on so my mind will have something constructive to focus on instead of ruminating and entertaining the voice in my head. The key is to do something I can take pride in when it is complete. Even if the finished product isn’t perfect, I can be proud I tried and finished it. Learning to self-love is not easy to do but something I am slowly learning. 

Self-Love is actually something we can all benefit from. Those who battle with mental illness need to pay close attention and remember to practice it.
                                        Love Yourself (link)
This week's video
                            For Sale: Home SAFE Home (link)