F.E.A.R.

With 2018 coming to a close in a week and a half I have been drawn into reflection. I have really been looking at what has taken place in a year. At the beginning of the year, I set a challenge for 2018 to be my “Brave” year for healing. Yes, indeed I did do that. My first thought brought me to a question. What made me make a goal like that? What does a brave year for healing actually mean? I have alluded to the fact life has been pretty gloomy for me in a few of my blog posts. What I did not inform you is just how dark it truly got. This time last year I was put under a 24/7 suicide watch for several weeks. I can recall the moment everything came to an end. Sobering thought, perhaps. I remember the utter despair and desperation from the relentless torment I was enduring. I could see no relief in sight and could see no other way out. I remember the exact moment the brokenness within me became wrapping black tendrils choking life out. It was a logical conclusion to me... End my life... That’s all I could see or desire. I sobbed on the floor yelling “I WANT TO DIE. JUST LET ME DIE. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. THE PAIN. I WANT TO DIE. LET ME DIE. I CANNOT LIVE THIS LIFE ANYMORE!” The plan to end my life was already formulating in my mind. My husband grabbed me like he’s never done before and held on for dear life. As I kept repeating the same words over again and again his grip became tighter. Yes, that indeed was the moment I must remember. Why? Because it has become a foreign memory. Not a sobering thought after all.

I didn’t see how important it was for me to recall that exact moment. However, I now see with absolute certainty I HAVE been successful making 2018 a year of growth. As I recall the year I remember hard battles I would much rather have ran away from. This has been a truly difficult year. I have been fighting the toughest battle I have EVER fought. I accomplished things I never thought I could do or hadn’t done in years. The smallest things most take for granted in daily life I have had to relearn. Things I used to do with ease I no longer can. It’s as if I am learning how to walk all over again. Those steps are not very big ones either. I stumble and fall but the difference is this time I am slowly learning how to climb back up by using something to grab onto instead trying to do it alone. I do not want to go back to who I was before. That person was damaged and she pushed the dark down. I am getting rid of the dark and letting the light reveal who this individual really is. I don’t want the dark tendrils to reach me again. So I must Face Everything and Rise. I am going to keep searching for this new Michelle. I am confident she is not far from reach and I feel her arms are stretched out in anticipation to welcome me!