The Power of Trauma

The topic for my video this week has been something I have battled with for many years. I open up and talk a little bit about PTSD and what one event in my life has done to me. What I did not do is go into exactly how deep that trauma goes in my life. It actually built my foundation and how I think and see things for the rest of my life. I wish I could say that was the only life-changing traumatic event in my life. Unfortunately, that is not. But perhaps more will come out in time.  

Before reading on it might be helpful to watch the video first. I will be expounding on the trauma in my life that took place.

                                  The Power of Trauma   (Link)

This day in my history was not so traumatic at the moment. I just remember being very surprised and confused at seeing my father. There was excitement at the thought of being with my siblings again and also gaining two other ones. The damage didn’t really take hold till a few years later when my birth mother got pregnant and had a baby girl. (As I recall this, pain grips my heart.) The complete devastation set in. The day of being abandoned flooded back. Why? What did I do? Was I not good enough and she didn’t like me anymore? Did I let her down? Did she hate me so much that she didn’t even want to tell me goodbye?  Was I such a terrible little girl she had to replace me with another one? This one must be perfect because she kept her, she didn’t give her away. I felt so abandoned and alone. Why didn’t my own mother love me and want me anymore? Why am I such a bad kid? If only I was better. If only I was cuter. If only…….

I broke! But life goes on like as it does and time passes. Fast forward several years and I became a mother myself. The same feelings and thoughts reared up again. I now knew how a mother is supposed to feel for a child and how mine just didn’t. The inner torment I went through was so painful. I wanted her to be a part of mine and my children’s lives but there was the relentless feeling of deep betrayal that never went away. It was very hard to live a life like that. After many years of my birth mother profoundly hurting me over and over again I decided I was done. I could no longer allow a person who caused me such pain to have a part of me anymore. I had to close that door. I truly wish all the trauma she caused me was able to be closed behind that door as well. But we all know that is not possible. 

How does one take such devastating situations in their life that help mold them and change? I’m here to tell you it is not for the faint of heart. I work endlessly to conquer the damage done from just one person. I’m learning to forgive myself and hold the people responsible for what THEY did, NOT me. Maybe not to their face, but inside myself. Why would I have to forgive myself? See, I wasn’t a bad little girl. It wasn’t me who caused it to happen. I have held myself responsible for my entire life. NO MORE! I was an innocent little girl who didn’t know all the troubles of life yet. I was happy just being me. I’m taking back my childhood. I’m giving “little me” the freedom to be little and innocent once again!

Let’s be real with each other. Let’s admit we have life-altering events in our lives. We all have them. Just because some do not result in PTSD for some does not make those who develop PTSD weaker. We are all made up different and do not react the same. It doesn’t make what one person suffers any less important than the other. We all are shaped by our past. Take time to listen and actually hear one another. Show compassion even if you don’t understand. It goes a long way. 

To help you understand a little more about PTSD here is an article. It will shed a little light on what happens physically and mentally.  

                   Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)  (Link)