I have attempted so many times to write down my thoughts or
to create a new video. However, after
time passed a blank page was in front of me or the play button was still
waiting to be pushed. I had no words. That seemed strange because I had so many
voices in my head that did not lack words and wouldn’t stop shouting them at
me. As I type this I am finding it difficult to come up with the words that
would be able to explain what I am feeling and going through. I finally decided
I had to be open and real no matter what that looked like. After all, I did say
I was going to be real from the beginning and why was I was trying to hide now.
So here we go…
The silence broke with my new video Hidden Beauty (link)
The time I spend at Mepkin Abbey is unlike any place else. I
find myself wishing I could visit more often. I would love to walk the gardens
and bathe in the sun. Sit and listen to the birds sing as I watch the sun
glisten on the water. I have to wonder if I were able to spend more time there,
would it still hold the same meaning. Would I get used to seeing the beauty
before me that my eyes grow blind to it? You know, like that picture you have
hanging on your wall or sitting on a stand of a person you love dearly and
means a lot to you. The one you walk by every single day, maybe several times a
day. The one you put there because you want to see their face and smile when
you do. Be honest, do you see it every time you walk past it? Does it make you
smile when you pass by? Or has it become one with its surroundings? Has it
taken the shape of other object you possess? See, just like that! We sometimes
see something so often that it becomes the normal and no longer as special as
it once was. I do not ever want that to happen for me with the Abbey. So I must
make sure I’m taking the time on purpose to always find the beauty. I must slow
down to find the small wonders that are there but time must be taken to find
them.
I’m glad the opportunity has been given me to experience
things that I have found great beauty in. My yearly trip to the south has
become a true respite. I am able to get away from the chaos of life and slow
down a little. Do not get me wrong, my best friend and I keep pretty busy while
I’m here. We go and do lots of different things. But we do them together and we
always have wonderful conversations and laughs. We started doing something
different this year though. We are taking a little time out every day to sit
and reflect on life. We are trying to make time to find the beauty in everyday
and just slow down enough to be able to calm our minds and inner beings. It’s
been a wonderful time together. For the first time in a very long time I feel
some of the heaviness inside me lifting and lightness is present. There are
still plenty of things at home when I get back that will require attending but
for now, they can wait. I don’t want to miss the beauty in life where I am
because I’m focused on what is ahead.
Beauty is right here and now it just takes time to find it.
Don’t be too busy and/or focused on what’s happened in the past or what will
happen in the future that you miss it. Stop to notice that picture and smile.
Remember why you placed it there to begin with. Something only loses its beauty
if we allow it to.
Life is beautiful!
The topic for my video this week has been something I have
battled with for many years. I open up and talk a little bit about PTSD and
what one event in my life has done to me. What I did not do is go into exactly
how deep that trauma goes in my life. It actually built my foundation and how I
think and see things for the rest of my life. I wish I could say that was the
only life-changing traumatic event in my life. Unfortunately, that is not. But
perhaps more will come out in time.
Before reading on it might be helpful to watch the video
first. I will be expounding on the trauma in my life that took place.
The Power of Trauma (Link)
This day in my history was not so traumatic at the moment. I
just remember being very surprised and confused at seeing my father. There was excitement
at the thought of being with my siblings again and also gaining two other ones.
The damage didn’t really take hold till a few years later when my birth mother
got pregnant and had a baby girl. (As I recall this, pain grips my heart.) The
complete devastation set in. The day of being abandoned flooded back. Why? What
did I do? Was I not good enough and she didn’t like me anymore? Did I let her
down? Did she hate me so much that she didn’t even want to tell me goodbye? Was I such a terrible little girl she had to
replace me with another one? This one must be perfect because she kept her, she
didn’t give her away. I felt so abandoned and alone. Why didn’t my own mother
love me and want me anymore? Why am I such a bad kid? If only I was better. If
only I was cuter. If only…….
I broke! But life goes on like as it does and time passes.
Fast forward several years and I became a mother myself. The same feelings and
thoughts reared up again. I now knew how a mother is supposed to feel for a
child and how mine just didn’t. The inner torment I went through was so
painful. I wanted her to be a part of mine and my children’s lives but there
was the relentless feeling of deep betrayal that never went away. It was very
hard to live a life like that. After many years of my birth mother profoundly hurting
me over and over again I decided I was done. I could no longer allow a person
who caused me such pain to have a part of me anymore. I had to close that door.
I truly wish all the trauma she caused me was able to be closed behind that
door as well. But we all know that is not possible.
How does one take such devastating situations in their life
that help mold them and change? I’m here to tell you it is not for the faint of
heart. I work endlessly to conquer the damage done from just one person. I’m
learning to forgive myself and hold the people responsible for what THEY did,
NOT me. Maybe not to their face, but inside myself. Why would I have to forgive
myself? See, I wasn’t a bad little girl. It wasn’t me who caused it to happen. I
have held myself responsible for my entire life. NO MORE! I was an innocent little
girl who didn’t know all the troubles of life yet. I was happy just being me. I’m
taking back my childhood. I’m giving “little me” the freedom to be little and
innocent once again!
Let’s be real with each other. Let’s admit we have life-altering
events in our lives. We all have them. Just because some do not result in PTSD
for some does not make those who develop PTSD weaker. We are all made up
different and do not react the same. It doesn’t make what one person suffers
any less important than the other. We all are shaped by our past. Take time to
listen and actually hear one another. Show compassion even if you don’t
understand. It goes a long way.
To help you understand a little more about PTSD here is an
article. It will shed a little light on what happens physically and mentally.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Link)
Life can and usually is stressful for all of us. It is so
important to take care of ourselves no matter who we are. You don’t have to be
suffering from mental illness to understand the importance of self-love and
care. How many days have gone by and you do not take time to pay attention to
what you needed in that day? We tend to take care of ourselves last and others
first.
I’m learning I did that for way too long. Up until a few
years ago, EVERYBODY else came before me. I would always take care of other
people and their needs and completely bury mine. No matter what I was going
through or feeling if someone needed something I would drop everything and take
care of it for them. I thought that was a good thing. Putting me first just
didn’t seem right. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way and I broke. I could
no longer be there for anyone including myself. That’s a very dangerous place
to be. It wasn’t until I starting my climb out of the dark I was able to see
how important it was to put me first. So for the first time in my life I have
dug up what I once buried and have made the hard decision to work through the
mess unearthed.
It’s not been easy but I’m getting there. Forcing myself to
take interest in what I used to and get out of my chair when I really don’t
want to move. Finding projects and activities when I don’t have energy to even
stand are all conscious choices I must make. Even how I talk to myself is HUGE!
When I “mess up” on something, calling myself stupid or an idiot because I did
it wrong does not show self-love. I would NEVER talk to my most beloved friends
and family like that when they make a mistake. So why is it okay to talk to myself like that?
IT IS NOT!!!!! We need to treat ourselves like we would treat those around us
we love. Take an hour out of each day to practice doing something that embraces
self-love. You will not regret it!
Let us know some of the things you do to help bring you out
of a low mood and get you in a better state of mind!
It’s a night like any other. Nothing different or special
happened today, just another day. Woke up just like every day before. Sun was
shining, breeze blowing, perhaps a little heat but honestly not bad at all, and
I think I saw only a few clouds in the sky. No, today was not unusual in the
least. That’s what makes how I feel very puzzling or perhaps not as perplexing
as I think. I suppose I need to explain why that statement is so bewildering
and clear at the same time. As I have discussed in the past, our lives have
taken a hard turn extremely fast and unexpected. I keep saying let’s have a
conversation, so that’s exactly what I am going to do.
The life I have known and my surroundings for the last 10
years are quickly dissolving around me. It’s taken me a while to completely
soak that in. But the hard reality can no longer be pushed away. Last week we
took a HUGE leap into the unknown. We put our home of 7 years on the market.
Normally when you sell a home you have a plan for the future. Well, hmmm … I think
we are missing something here. That future plan part, yeah that’s not here. Who
in their right mind would put a house up for sale and not have a detailed map
as to where the next road leads? That would be us, not totally by our choice I
need to add. Let me tell you it is not helpful for my mental state AT ALL! This
is the house we took from being a complete disaster to a warm, loving,
beautiful home. I have never lived in such a beautiful home before. Not just
the building but EVERYTHING. The amazing wildlife, peaceful woods, quiet
neighborhood, and my “safe place.” This safe place has now become one where I
do not feel secure anymore. I truly cannot put into words what is happening
inside me. It has caused pause for me. My forward momentum has become stationary.
People I do not know are now entering into my home when I am not here. It is
unnerving to me. I am VERY unsettled about this. No, this is not something I
wanted or requested EVER!
I’m still waiting to wake up from this never-ending
nightmare my life has been for the past several years. This has all got to be a
dream because how can so much continue to happen in our lives over so many
years? Unfortunately, it is not a dream and I am wide awake. Change is something
I, and most people with mental illnesses, have a very hard time with. I never
used to. But that now seems a lifetime ago. I do not handle it well at all
now. It seems that is all I have had to go through for more years than I
remember. I often say “I hate being me,”
or “being me is no fun at all.” I would never want anyone to have to feel the
way I do. It’s completely terrible. Mental illness has transformed me into a
person I don’t recognize. So how do I get through this without completely
falling back down? That means I must find a way to cope and deal with these new
changes in our life.
I am forcing myself to try new things. Stuff I have always
wanted to do or something I have to challenge myself at to accomplish. Last
week I made homemade cinnamon rolls for the first time. I have always wanted to,
but yeast and I have a love/hate relationship. But I decided I was going to try
again. And I am SO glad I did. They were AMAZING!!! Turned out better than
perfect! I am sewing things I never would have considered to before. They are
challenging me greatly but I am for sure growing my skill knowledge. I have
plans on staining some furniture that I’ve wanted to do for a long time. If I’m
not busy with packing, house selling stuff, or cleaning, I make sure every
chance I can to have a project to work on so my mind will have something constructive
to focus on instead of ruminating and entertaining the voice in my head. The key is to do something I can take pride in when it is complete. Even if the
finished product isn’t perfect, I can be proud I tried and finished it.
Learning to self-love is not easy to do but something I am slowly learning.
Self-Love is actually something we can all benefit from. Those
who battle with mental illness need to pay close attention and remember to
practice it.
This week is a topic that many do not like to talk about or
has someone they know who have thought about, attempted, or was successful at.
Suicide is one of the things that is totally misunderstood. So let’s talk.
First of all, I would like to make it very clear; someone
who is saying they want to kill themselves does not necessarily want to die. I
can be very honest here and say the dying part is not what really ran through
my mind when I was making plans to end my life. I was experiencing pain like I
never had before. I cannot explain how deep this pain went or how completely it
filled me. I had never in my life
endured such ruthless and intense pain. It enveloped every part of my being;
mind, body and soul. You can’t compare it to a physical pain. Trust me, I’ve
endured intense pain in my life. This was no comparison. All I wanted was it to
end. The pain that was twenty four hours seven days a week had gotten way too
much to bear. No, being dead was not what I was seeking. I was looking for an
end to the suffering and could think of no other way to find relief. In my new
video I talk about what a common misconception surrounding suicide and why it
is important we shed light on this topic. Please take time to watch it and
share it. We need to break the stigmas around these topics.
Support goes deeper than an occasional text, call, or visit. Support for someone who fights mental illness is more like running a triathlon. You don’t just decide one day you are going sign up and for a triathlon for the first time that is a week away. Oh! I suppose you could but I do not think you would get very far before your body would begin to protest. After the protest began, it would start screaming at you and begin to fight back. You would end up collapsing and calling it quits. No, indeed not the wisest choice. The best option would be setting a goal for one in the future where you would have the appropriate time to prepare and train for the grueling task you will be putting your body under. You train for what seems like years and put your body through pain and strain. When you’re ready the real work has only just begun. Next comes the real work. The true test of what you’ve been doing up to this point. You made a commitment and you intend to follow through with it.
Yep, support is very much like that. It’s not for the one who decided to sign up at the last minute. It’s for the one who decided well in advance they were going to commit to staying the course no matter what it took them through in order to achieve. It’s not easy to be a person who stands with mental ill people and carry them. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or say. But it’s the consistency that will make all the difference. It’s not easy for someone who is ready to end their life when they have people who care and won’t allow themselves to be pushed away. That’s why it’s so important to not just say you will be there for them but you also show it by, for a lack of better terminology, being pushy and annoying sometimes. They will hate it but I’m here to tell you it’s the ONLY reason I’m alive today!
It’s so very important that we crack the stigma on mental illness WIDE open. Only when it’s openly discussed and the person suffering feels like they will not be turned away, feel ashamed, avoided, or felt like the plague will things change. Those are some reasons why people who fight hide so much. When we begin to feel accepted and loved for who and where we are will we begin to feel comfortable opening ourselves up.
If we had a choice to not have these disabilities, for me at least, I wouldn’t. So please help us shatter the quiet and begin an open ongoing conversation! My latest video asks for just that.
Rescue Me (link)
As we work together educating ourselves is the first step. This is a GREAT read to help you understand how and what stigmas exist and how to break the cycle. It’s a longer read but please consider it part of the training and finish it!
Mental Health & Stigma (link)
My words are getting fewer and fewer these days. There is a
part of me that wants to write and yet I find it difficult to do so when I
begin. I type… read what I typed… backspace… type again… reread… backspace… and
keep repeating those same actions over and over. I believe there is something
in there trying to come out but I can’t seem to locate the words to do it. My
mind is beginning to fill with voices telling me things like “What you are
doing is not making any difference,” “Seriously, it’s too much work to keep
this up. You should just stop making the videos,” “You don’t have time to do
this. You have a lot to do and not a lot of time to get it done.” The list goes
on. I told you before the voices where getting louder in my head. Those are
examples of what that is like, only worse and much louder than you can imagine.
But this is the thing, I’m aware of what is going on. This time I am not going
to hide it. This time, and with these people, I’ve opened up and told them I
can feel myself slipping. You know what that shows me? It shows me I’m ahead of
it this time. I see what is trying to happen. I now have some tools in my
toolbox on how to combat against these 4 illnesses that are not willing to
loosen their grip on me without a fight. So I’m opening my toolbox that I’ve
worked so hard, with the help of therapy, to fill with the exact tools I need.
Oh it’s not easy and I’m tired emotionally and physically. But as I said
before, nothing good comes from doing nothing! The fight doesn’t get won
without the training and working out first. That is why it is so very important
to seek out professional help when fighting mental illness. The right tools are
needed and unless given the right directions which one, you could end up with
all the wrong ones. This article helps give a little more insight to the mind of a person suffering.
8
Reasons Why People Don't get Mental Health Treatment (link)
The final chapter in our trilogy of outside perspectives on
loving someone who battles mental illness has been uploaded. This journey has
taken us down 3 different perspectives on what it looks like supporting
someone. Please take the time to watch, share, follow, and comment. Help us
show how important it is to seek help and support those who fight mental illnesses.
You've Got a Friend
in Me (link)
